a poem for Saehee's mommy....

There is a song

and maybe a word

A prayer remembered

a brief time to smile

but anxiety waits like a lion

pacing

pacing more and more

it will rush in

and bring with it it's cold companion

death.

Back to the songs or thought

to stave off the flood of pain

which I can neither enter into or allow

to have

a foothold

Bitter tastes and rancid smells only give a shadow of the painful portrait

we're being drawn into here

Noises of hope pour in fom without

but meet only a wall

deadened by the reality of it all.

You should have been the first-born;

a new hope

an answer from God

and you were, yet you

met that wall

and it deadened you.

But of that day if I could remember

the most salient

the most real

of all

I would remember

this

the struggle for dignity amidst despair

the fight for comfort against chaos

and the beauty of a woman

who became a mother

conquered, overcame, sacrificed

I would remember Love embodied

a story dripping with the sweet

water of grace

a day laced with the glow of

redemption

From romance to love

from love to marriage

from marriage to family

from family to loss

from loss to glory

from glory to beauty

beauty which was from the start always present.

hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go....

sat outside at our neighborhood cafe today sipping a cold iced coffee perfectly made and watched the working men and women of the city schlep off to their cubicles of joy...

and each drink tasted sweeter....

i know God will probably laugh at me by giving me a long, sweaty commute to work in an overcrowded, overpopulated Chinese town very soon (hey, just giving me a J-O-B would be good enough---I'll take the commute as well, I guess).

but for now i'm enjoying the small pieces of a life of leisure that come with being a kept man on a freer schedule. coffee early in the morning before i have to sign on to work, a midday walk through a local park or late night movie on a school night. all my simple ways to breathe in the plain things around me before regret seeps in and taints a good memory....

"i'd like to thank..."

the endless support of our friends across the country and right here in DC....

it's one thing to have friends and quite another to have friends ready to go to prayer for you, to get mad at God for you, to spend long nights over tea listening to you recount your sadness or plan a picnic or drag you to kick around the soccer ball if only to taste some normalcy for a bit.

i heard a preacher once say making friends is like planting seeds which not only sprout beautiful flowers but that plant deep roots...able to support you in times of drought when you never even knew the roots were there.

ok...all right...that preacher was me and that was a thought i had when preparing a sermon on Ecclesiastes 4....

7 Again I saw something meaningless under the sun:
8 There was a man all alone;
he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.

"For whom am I toiling," he asked,
"and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?"

This too is meaningless—a miserable business!
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:
10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!





it's funny b/c it was another section of Ecclesiastes that originally helped me get through these past few weeks....I remember telling Booyeon that if there was a "time to mourn" then there must consequently be a "time to rejoice"....and that gave me hope...


now my reflection is on my friends---the deep wellspring of joy you have all been for me and Boo. whether it was relentlessly calling us, dropping us a considerate email, sending flowers, stopping by or entertaining us---the measure of comfort you brought is difficult to measure and not worth it to even try.

it's enough to know we have been helped up by our friends when we fell hardest...

not off the face of the earth...

just posting to let folks know we're still hanging in there and taking a short breather before getting back into our usual routines...

while we've put the past behind us and realize now our decision was the best thing in a situation where no such thing as a "best thing" existed, we're moving on to new anxieties about the future...picking up where we left off and brushing aside the expectations built up over the last 5 months when we were preparing for parenthood...

for now we are spending our days enjoying one another and slowly reflecting on the whirlwind of emotions from the last few weeks...

friends have stopped by to spend time with us...eating, laughing and generally showing their love and support. each visit has helped us move further away from the horror of that hospital visit and closer to remembering our daughter fondly.

"this too shall pass..."

my mother would say that whenever i met dissapointment or frustration in my life. most of the time it sounded like hollow assurance---an attempt to provide perspective during a perspective-less moment in life.

but i find those words echoing in my head----the grief will pass....the sadness will pass....the sense of loss and "what could have been" will pass....




but waiting on them to pass is just a bitch.

19 hours and long days...

back home now and caught up on sleep (relatively) after sitting with Boo in labor for 19 hours as we waited on the simultaneous birth and death of our daughter.

some moments were surreal--such as arranging funeral details on the phone next to Boo as she began having contractions--and some were just painful--such as waking on a rigid cot at 1:30am to hear the doctor say we were ready for delivery while boo shook with feverish chills.

each hour brought on new challenges...sleeplessness, fatigue, anger, sadness, sickness, confusion...while we sat hearing other babies being born to life in the adjoining rooms. we cried together and sat silently--moving back and forth through emotions and visceral reactions.

it's a time we would like to forget.

problem is: we can't. maybe some day it will slowly fade from our memories--the smells, the noises, the pains, the heartache. but for now we're both left with the memory of 19 hours of misery waiting on the death of our daughter.

a sunny day at last...

boo went back to school yesterday and i went back to work. just some things to occupy our minds as we wait for the 2nd amniocentisis to come back with the full confirmation of what we already know.

usually, at this point in any other year, i'd be thinking of little more than my upcoming birthday. planning a party or arranging the schedule to see friends. and while i'm sure to get some much needed laughter and joy this weekend surrounded by friends in new york, my mind always seems to wander back to Saehee. i try not to think of what could have been, but only what must be. somehow, throughout this past week, that has become eerily more possible.

but there is a tainted side to our time here in DC. on a sunny day like today, i can't help but feel it. in any other circumstance i would be yearning for a walk around the block, or a cup of coffee at an outdoor table. but there is no joy in those things now---not even when spring is starting to rush in. a little part of me wonders if the taintedness will remain. if i'll ever want to come back here again for fear of remembering this particular memory.



the phone calls, visits and emails have truly been our lifeline this past week. and, with the worst yet to come, i'm sure we'll need even more of them to get through.

the rain and the trees...

it's been less than a week now since we found out Saehee was diagnosed with Trisomy 18.

the shock took a few days to subside as Boo and I wandered aimlessly through our apartment, fighting off waves of crying while attempting some semblances of normalcy by taking short walks around the neighborhood.

and while the weather hasn't cooperated--providing us cold, dreary, rain-soaked days--there are still some nice blossoms on the small side streets near our apartment. on our walk today, these blossoms provided boo a nice moment of reprieve to see something beautiful amidst the murkiness we've been swimming in this past week.

in having this death sentence of a defect passed down on our daughter, we've been overwhelmed with the grief, sadness, hopelessness and fear which comes with it. there have been brief waves of laughter and quiet stillness---mostly giving way to fits of anger, grasping fear, and troubled discussions about what to do next. we've put away our baby books...stopped talking about which stroller to buy...and we've ended all the conversations about joyfully playing with our baby this coming fall.

through it all, i've been most overwhelmed by the support from friends around the country and here in DC. even more has been not only the friendship but the companionship shown to us. i guess this is what is meant by genuine Christian community---that words are replaced by action, tears are supplemented by embraces.

tomorrow we'll be back at work trying to move to the next phase in this already long saga of grief. it might become a little easier to walk past someone pushing a stroller. it might be a bit easier to sleep through the night or sit at home without zoning out completely. i'm not sure. i can only hope....hope because i know we'll need the strength to get through the next step, the next pain and sorrow of losing our little girl.

old school like menudo

old pics on Facebook for those not already on FB...

check it...

posted some new pics up on facebook from this last weekend as well as some hilarious videos of bush and obama being introduced complete with crowd reaction...

click here to view it (if you're on facebook)

i've come up for air...

amidst personal struggles, changing scenery, and the ever constant drudgery of work and school, i've finally gathered myself together and relaxed enough to knock out at least one cobweb in the old cranium full of dust....

and so i blog....about...


well, nothing much. sorry for the dissapointment. while i should be glued to my rosetta stone learning all my tones and chinese idioms, i sit here fully realizing that i've actually come up for air.

see, it takes about 2-3 weeks until after my semester ends for me to actually have recharged my brain cells enough for meaningful--or even viable--conversation. even on a full tank of mental energy i can offer little in the way of valuable rhetoric. imagine me at less than 100%....yikes....


but now i have the month of january to give my bride the mental energy she deserves, my language training the begrudging focus it requires and my blog the creative juice it yearns for....

wishing for peace, prosperity and more apple cider,
Rod Flankton

the eagle has landed...

i read last night that obama is in the house...well, not THAT "House" but a pretty comfortable one i must say.

he's right down the street and never even bothered to call. what's up with that? guess he's still disappointed after i crossed-over on him during our last pickup game leaving him shaking in his kicks...

anyway, the days are counting down to the festival of The Inauguration...when millions will flock to my front steps, crowd my sidewalks and otherwise consume the precious resources of the city i so value. one such miscreant will probably pay me a house call to witness the spectacle. overall it's an exciting time and you can catch the anticipation on the lips of everyday joes, preppily-dressed interns, and high-powered lobbyists all walking the streets with an extra pep in their step.

i for one always believe the hype buries the reality in a soft, deadening heap of ashes and soot. i'm too often dissapointed. but i wonder if this hype will live up to its name.

*btw, i just had to post this pic as a shameful reference to my Texas-sized, redneck roots.

monuments and fall...

some night shots of the monuments as well as trip out to arlington right when the leaves were in full fall color....

double click on any picture to get to the main picasa album...

aric goes methodist on it...

never thought i'd preach at a methodist church, but a friend from class was kind enough to offer up his congregation for me to fulfill my preaching course requirement...


preacher's wife??? :)

The bookends are Boo's friends from State who were supportive and kind enough to drive an hour out to Baltimore to hear me preach...Behind me is Boo's close college friend

The man, the myth....

fall into it...

step inside my office...

i jest of course...though my real office is only slightly more full than this picture.

now that we're in the new apartment, i'm confined daily to a 6x6 white room which tests my sanity each day as i sit by in tinkering silence. the rattle of the typing keys keeps me company before i jet out to the gym where i get a glimpse of human civilization.

seriously though, this apartment is so nice it's tempting to pine away all my time here either being corporate america's bitch or flexing my culinary muscles on the stainless steel, modern kitchen set up.

i do miss the eagle rock sunset of course. but overall DC has been quite a hospitable place.....boo and i have found a good church---school is humming along and it's definitely fun getting up and commuting to work in my undies (kidding....i only work in my undies on mondays, tuesdays and every other friday---the opposite fridays are hawaiian shirt day around the house).

heading to LA in a couple of weeks for business. be sure to look me up....

the bearable lightness of being...

Waiter: I think God sometimes gives us opportunities rather than answers.

Joan Baxter: What do you mean? Why wouldn’t God just grant our prayers?

Waiter: When you pray for patience do you think God just gives you patience? Or does He give you the opportunity to learn patience? When you pray for your family to love one another, do you think God gives you a loving family? Or does He gives you opportunities to learn to love each other?

If you’ve ever watched the movie Evan Almighty, you’ll most likely remember this rather rich (and paraphrased) dialogue between Morgan Freeman as God pretending he’s a waiter in a local restaurant while talking with Lauren Graham’s character, Joan Baxter, as she sits in the restaurant troubled over the comical state of her husband who’s building an ark in modern-day upstate New York.

At issue was the prayer she had prayed in the beginning of the movie asking God for her family to become closer throughout the upcoming events of her husband assuming a new job. Morgan Freeman’s God character casts an interesting light on how prayers might be addressed by an active, participating and loving God.

I’ve been praying for a while to have times of quiet…rest…stillness. Anything to free me up from the daily rigors of waking early in the morning to commute off to work, leave work to commute to class and sit through class until late at night only to return home to get started on homework or focus on my church internship.
Those who’ve known me over the last year or so have seen that stillness elude me all too often as well as the effects of burnout.

What I’ve seen from the last week here in DC with Boo is how God doesn’t always give you what you’re asking for in prayer but instead God grants opportunities to experience what you’re asking for. Here at our new apartment, we’re without a TV, about a mile and a half from the nearest train station, and surrounded by luscious forests and rolling hills. It’s been a retreat of sorts for me and Booyeon. A chance for us to calm our pace, collect our breath and experience peace and stillness.

We’ve eaten lunch and dinner together in Wesley’s cafeteria each night in front of floor to ceiling windows overlooking the green campus. We’ve taken long walks to and from Tenleytown, a local town center, to enjoy great local meals. I work from our apartment and take my lunch breaks either napping with Booyeon or simply talking with her about her “vacation schedule.”

And through it all I’ve appreciated God’s gift of providential opportunity rather than providence alone. I think it makes me feel as if I’m in participation with God rather than simply a recipient of God’s. It’s as if I was a child who wanted a bicycle. And my father or mother offered to build the bike with me instead of just giving me a new bike they buy from the store. There comes with the process of building an experience of relationship—talking, sharing, laughter, struggle. Throughout the building process, I feel closer with God—able to share with God through the experience rather than simply the result.

what's in a name?

so...first day in DC and i realized one thing...

i

am

a

WUSS.


a big one.


catastrophic.


planetary.


when i'm cut, i bleed WUSSY....

after walking 2 hours around beautiful downtown DC my feet ached like i was a 80 year old nursing home abject looking for a lost bowl of easily soluble food....

but to back up a bit:


DC is a beautiful place without a doubt...we arrived last night and boo and i enjoyed a quiet italian meal in a sleep little outskirt neighborhood called tenleytown which is located near the american university campus and near wesley where i'm taking classes for the fall.....

the drive in from the airport was more than i could have imagined....for those who have spent time on the east coast, you'll no doubt remember the sweet, sugary smell of summer evening air after the lawns have been mowed and the trees are flowing back and forth....this was the smell boo and i swept in as we passed through to our final destination....

this morning we decided to take a venture into DC and spend labor day exploring some of what DC had knowing we would only nip at the surface...

we pranced---more like 'slugged' for me---around central DC to see the white house, our (much smaller) future house and generally get a feel for the area. pictures are sure to come if you close your eyes and wish upon a fleeting star....

if you've read this far you are no doubt a good friend....and good friends help other friends:

since i'm now on the Beast coast...what do i name this blog? my usually pedantic mind is void of options...

suggestions are wanted...

no, needed....

"what will you miss the most about la?"

it's a question i've been asked at virtually every good bye moment during this past week...

and my answer is simple: the view.

and before you make any cracks, i AM NOT referring to the calvacade of catankerous ladies huddled around a coffe table and making entirely too much noise for four people. i mean, seriously, is no one else disturbed by the faint cloud-like glow which permeates the studio on the show? it's as if they're floating in some ethereal nightmare of overly chatty malcontents...

but i digress..


what i meant was the picturesque view from our balcony we have been able to enjoy watching the sunset over the distant mountain tops every evening for the last two years.

and while i meant it as a way to signify my inclination towards selfishly lounging on my former papa san chair and shutting the world's noise out while staring blankly at the setting sun, booyeon of course had a much more riveting and sentimental summation of my otherwise pedestrian thoughts.

so typically "in touch" with her "emotions".

she remarked how this very simple response encapsulates all that i loved about LA. our view: the parties that lasted well into the night. long evenings sharing cigars and wine with close friends on the balcony. rainy days (yes, those occasionally do occur in LA) sitting under the blanket with booyeon falling asleep to the soft sound of rain in the night. there were too many laughs to count, too many stories to remember....they have all blurred together to form a lasting memory of a simple balcony that enjoyed so much life.

and these are just a few of the reasons why i'll miss "the view" the most...

the great outdoors...

pics and video from the recent trip to crab flats with the boys...


Online Videos by Veoh.com

just had to share this...

taking a brief departure from my postings on becoming a government asset...


this is an excerpt from the online course i'm taking...it's all about how to "do church"...what is church? how do we define it and how can that definition be limited?

we have to post writings on contemporary issues...the question at hand: What is your vision of ecumenism and the unity of the church?


the bitterness grows with the thread.....

aric:
While conceptually I align with the intention of ecumenism and unity in the Church at large, I have consistently remained skeptical of its feasibility. If the third Assembly of the World Council of Churches has identified Pentecost as the ultimate manifestation of the Church’s unity, then I would argue that the further in time we move away from that event, the further away we pull from the reality of unity it brought about. The very nature of humans is to define our institutions and practices. As we define our idea of religion, we necessarily place it over and against others’ definitions of religion. And thus unity becomes less and less tangible.

I do agree with Karkkainen that a well-founded view of unity and ecumenism comes about by acknowledging the Spirit’s work and not human effort in the process (Karkkainen, 79). If I had an idealistic (and I do mean idealistic) vision of how to bring about unity in the Church, I would imagine a gathering of varying denominational backgrounds and leaders—but not for the purpose of discussion or issue resolution. As I noted above, I believe this only pits one side versus another. Instead, using Acts 2:1 as a simple model, I believe unity can be achieved only we are “all together in one place” praying towards the goal of unity, humility to put aside personal beliefs, and the empowering of the Spirit through a Pentecost-like experience which tears down the practical barriers blocking unity (in Acts it was language—for our modern-day context I imagine it is the particular theological beliefs we hold dear).


response from another student:
Interesting post Aric. This, in particular, stuck out to me: "the very nature of humans is to define our institutions and practices." I think I understand what you're getting at here. If you mean that we will necessarily develop different ways of being "the church" and we are, by nature, inclined to define these different ways, I'd agree. Some have critiqued the ecumenical movment as too hasty to do away with definitions and focus on praxis -- praxis over dogma. It seems to me that this simply sidesteps the inevitable. The only way to true unity is through the "definitions" (church tradition and their particular theological history) and this is where we get gummed up, as you note. Like you I want to believe that unity is possible and like you I'm sceptical. My sceptism troubles me though . . .


aric:
My skepticsim troubles me as well...I feel it grows as I see church upon church promote "spreading of the kingdom" but only by the means of the vision statement its denomination employs, or the popular books its congregation reads or the particular church tradition it inherited.

I get a little leery when I'm at one church and someone tells me "You should read this book by ABC, it explains how ministry is the act of God for the purpose of..." and I'm visiting with a friend from another church and I hear "You should really read this book from XYZ, it explains how ministry is the act of God for the purpose of..."

There's just so many ways to slice the issue of "how to do church" that I wonder if everyone one day can put down their books with lovely paperback covers of sunlight breaking through soft clouds, walk out of their church building and drive down the street to have coffee with another church-goer from another church.

Again...my skepticism troubles me as well. :)